“What does it feel like to grow old, mama?” I asked. Mama’s never lie, or at least that’s what children believe. “You’re always the same on the inside” she replied “you just get old on the outside”
Mama’s truth sinks into my heart as I walk this familiar path. Ordinary birds sitting on an ordinary lamp post. Palm trees that tower over me, comforting landmarks that have led me in the direction of home for years. Today, there is a quiet calm orchestrating my early morning walk and it brings with it a new awareness.
I have lost my wonder. I have lost my childlike sense of exploration.
FEAR has stolen it from me!
How many times have I not noticed chalk drawings on sidewalks left behind by little hands? Balls and bikes left out in yards waiting to be played with? Lonely benches calling me to sit, to reflect?
Tears flow as I think of the time I’ve wasted! Time spent in FEAR!
FEAR is not my friend! He has lied to me! He has schooled me in adulthood, molding me into a cookie cutter image of himself.
Dear God; I want to go back. Back to the warmth and safety of your arms. To be full of wide-eyed amazement. To hide and yet not be hidden as I pop up from behind You and say, “Here I am, daddy, here I am!”
Walking towards the sunshine, I hold my head up high. Mama always said I was royalty!
I am not a child of FEAR; I am a child of God and He is calling me by name. He is calling me to jump into His arms. To run with joy and anticipation towards Him. To TRUST Him even as I doubt that He would even want to spend time with me.
Turing the corner, home in view, a childish grin spreads across my wrinkled face. I will choose to let go of FEAR. I will choose to listen with childlike curiosity to my father’s voice not the voice of FEAR!
Together we WILL move the mountains of anxiety I face. Together we WILL plant my tiny mustard seeds of faith!
Together we WILL find the WONDER again!