It was my way of hiding, that big brown hand-me-down coat I wore almost every day in sixth grade. A way of covering myself so no one would see me.

Why did I feel so unworthy, like I wasn’t good enough for anything other than another person’s throwaways?

As I close my eyes, I can see it, smell it, touch it, hear it. It’s the reason I wore that brown coat, the reason I hid, vanishing into the world of the unseen.  Only bits and pieces of that childhood memory are left now. The grown up inside of me has buried them under layers of pretending it never happens. Even if the memories wanted to come out, I’d been convinced they would shout self-accusations. Like somehow, I was responsible for what happened.

Curling up in my bed, closing my eyes I prayed the images would fade. I prayed to be covered again. To feel the warmth of that big comfy brown coat.

But the images keep finding me.

They were in my head, my words, and my actions. I could never really be rid of them. They followed me, like a shadow whose goal was to shame, leading me down the road of self-loathing.

Breathing in, my lungs fill with the toxic air of the past. I want to close my eyes and wish the memories away! To rewrite my story. To remember only the good.

But everything has changed now. Everything I believed about my past has been uncovered leaving me exposed like a little child longing to feel the warmth of that comfy brown coat.

To feel safe again.

Note from the Author:

This was written at a time of real breakthrough in my life. Healing comes in waves and this was a huge wave of healing for me. Although the feelings I had often resurfaced during times of difficulty I want you to know healing has come!

If you are hurting, I urge you to seek the wisdom and counsel of godly friends, counselors & leaders. I urge you to diligently seek out the promises in God’s Word (the Bible) not just to be a hearer of them but to be a doer of them.

James 1:22 – But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

If you haven’t yet met the Jesus I know and love, the One who heals all our afflictions and gives us peace, I’d love to share Him with you. In all my years of growing up in the church I never really knew this Jesus.

He is kind, loving and compassionate. He sees you and loves you right where you’re at!

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that He gave His one and ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life!

Let me tell you more: email me at